I save all of my correspondence.  I have done so for years so that I can refer to it when I don’t understand the way a person reacts to what I’ve said.  I have looked at each contact I’ve had with you, over and over again, but I still don’t understand.

I told you I will never do anything which could betray my husband. I told you my husband was aware of and in agreement with what I would be telling you.  You knew I cared about integrity and believe in the sanctity of marriage.  And you knew I am committed to God.  And surely you could not have believed me so stupid to think I could somehow distract your interest from your “spectacular” wife when I clearly could not even hold your interest back when I was at my most attractive.

Although I originally spoke only with you, when you became quiet I began trying to communicate with your wife as well hoping that (especially since I had indicated interest in meeting her and your children) both of you would be more comfortable with my communications with her “in the loop”.

Even when I insisted I never stopped loving you, you were not comforted.  Could it have been that you know so little of love that you assumed I was not referring to a genuine love, but merely referred to a selfish lust?  Surely you knew me better than that. I tried to explain further, but it seemed to plunge you further into a hostile silence.

I asked earlier if you I had offended you somehow.  Your reply insisted that it would take a lot to rile you.  Then why have you not been willing to tell me what I apparently did to offend you?

I was struck repeatedly from several people with gossip (about me) alien to my experience and in direct contrast to the truth.  For a while I decided it could not have originated from you, but eventually I concluded that you were the only person who could have possibly originated the vicious backbiting against me.

I called to confront you and hopefully put the rumors about me to rest.   Before I finished my first sentence, you yelled “I haven’t heard any” and hung up on me.  (I had originally attempted to do so in writing, but when I asked your preference about that, you refused to answer.)  I became more and more frustrated, and asked “What am I supposed to do?” Your silence even then angered me.  You wrote a cruel twisted note.  I replied,  insisting I was not guilty of the wrongs your accusations outlined, and finally called.  That’s when you hung up on me.  I was so furious at that point; I called your home hoping to leave a message consisting of four words … “arrogant”, “self-righteous”, “callous” and “insulting”.  Rather than getting your answering machine your daughter answered.  I asked her to write those four words down for you and ended the call.  She immediately flew off the handle and called me back.  She railed at me briefly not hearing even the apology I offered (she stated she was “only 17″ and could not abide such things) and hung up on me.

I wrote a poem about silence and sent a copy to you before I posted it.  You then immediately banned me from all access to information about you on Facebook.  Why?  My last contact with your family was an attempt to send a list of various musicology web sites to your son.  Just as she did the first time she and I spoke, your daughter exploded into a rage and told me some of the lies you have told her about me.  Even if you had picked a few words here and there from what I’ve written, it would have still taken a huge imagination to invent the garbage about me that she was spouting.  I have always had more respect for your character and intelligence than that. But perhaps I am wrong.

Recently when my family was being harassed by someone else who was threatening to rape my son, I did some investigation about phone calls made to me in the past.  That’s when I determined who made all those calls years ago.  Now I am even more confused.

What has happened to you?  Have you allowed your mind to become so polluted that you believe what the media and intelligentsia say about such as I am?  Do you really think everyone thinks the same way?  Are you so convinced that we are all selfish and greedy and competitive?  Why do you “cherry-pick” from my correspondence to make it sound as though I am as hypocritical and stained as the world says we are?  Have you stopped listening to what you hear and merely accept it all as fact?

All my life I have seen people befriend families of those they knew as youth.  I’ve always wanted to do the same.  I have a need to give to others, of myself as well as of the things I make.  It’s harder than you may think…especially for me.

There’s so much I’m expected to “just know” that I do not, and I have grown accustomed to the judgmental reactions others have toward me because I don’t.  People often will assume much about me, and interpret my words and actions wrongly, even believing I am “up to something” because I don’t understand the things expected of me.  I just never knew you would despise me the way they do.  I’m sorry for what I have done to hurt or anger you.  I wish I knew what it was so I could learn from it, but I grieve to know your family is so very hostile against me.  I thought you were different.   Please forgive me.

The world is hurtling toward its death with its eyes closed.  We believe we are “entitled” to everything. Rights have become something we insist upon for ourselves and our friends and take away from others.  In our passion to justify our lusts we insist that everyone has the right to his or her own truth, and that all beliefs are equally valid.  That is, as long as everyone believes that truth is relative.  Those who hold convictions based upon “self-evident” truth are condemned as being “intolerant” and “hostile”.  Religion becomes a cafeteria with “all beliefs equal” for each to pick and choose according to his or her preference and comfort level. Such indulgence requires that no one actually believe the chosen “deity of choice”, lest they be driven to rescue others from the dangers of unbelief.  Of course, if unbelief has no consequence neither does belief.

If truth is relative then it is impotent.  Strong and sincere faith is of no value when the object of the faith is powerless or non-existent.  “Choosing up sides” in spiritual matters is no more than a philosophical exercise.  Everyone needs a philosophy of life.  Everyone needs rules by which s/he directs his or her choices in life.  And everyone is of great value.  But my recognition of the value of another and my acknowledgement that others should have the same freedoms I have in making life choices DOES NOT mean that the choices others make are equally true or valid.  No matter how strongly I defend the freedom of others to choose, I must remember that every choice is based upon the quality and quantity of information available to the person making the choice as well as the assumptions (right or wrong) that the person may have already made.

I may know that you are standing beneath a poisonous spider and you may not.  I may acknowledge that you have the right to stand beneath the spider.  But unless I warn you about the spider your choice to stand there is based upon an erroneous assumption of safety, and you may be denied the complete freedom of choice.  Choice based upon error or insufficient information is NOT freedom of choice. By warning you about the spider (and thus concluding that what you believe in this respect is wrong) I show you that I value you as a person.  I may respect your choice to stand there even as I see the error in your assumption.  For me to devalue an opinion simply because I do not agree is foolhardy.  Without investigating the assumptions and researching the important issues surrounding your opinion I have no basis upon which to agree or disagree.  BUT once I have extensively researched the foundation upon which your opinion is based I can make an informed choice to agree or disagree, BASED upon what I have learned.  My respect for your freedom of choice is not swayed, but I may decide that your opinion is wrong nonetheless.

True Biblical Christianity is a relationship with the God of the universe.  The closer one’s relationship with God, the more clearly others will be able to see Him through one’s life.  Once one has truly met Him it is no longer possible to deny that He is real.  The choice becomes either to submit and worship or to resist and reject.  Others may not acknowledge Him, but that does not change the fact that He IS.

Today is the National Day of Prayer.  Prayer is not merely a once-a-year exercise.  Those of us who have a relationship with God draw near to Him frequently in prayer as a natural component of that deepening relationship.  Prayer is not merely the presentation of a “honey-do” list as if God could be manipulated into doing whatever we desire.  Instead, effective prayer will involve genuine communion, listening as well as confiding, seeking His face and allowing Him to conform our desires to His own. But our nation needs to come together in humility.  We need to entreat our LORD to forgive our arrogance and “entitlement” mindset, our failure to accurately represent Him to others and our insistence upon doing things our own way.  Today let us come together to confess our sinfulness and repent, accept His healing and submit once again to His leading.  Our nation is at the brink of death.  Effectual fervent prayer of the righteous (by His mercy) is the only hope for our nation.  Let us pray!

Why are those with autism not also given a voice in such “resources”? Most of us DO become verbal as we age, and some actually become verbally eloquent when compared with the general population. (This makes sense when one considers that having generally been born without the standard social reflexes neurotypicals seem to possess, we are required to study extensively to learn the rules of society throughout our lives in order to survive.) Why are we not given the same opportunities to talk about autism as those who “deal” with us?

Why is it so generally assumed that we disappear when we turn into adults? We don’t.  Autism presents even greater challenges to us as we age, especially for those of us without family support. The disappearance of support and awareness of autism in those past 20 years of age is a major problem.

Most of us DON’T have parents or teachers or doctors who are committed to our success. Most of us DON’T have financial means to access even what IS available. Most of us suffer abuse and rejection to some degree, even in the church.

Even if autistics are not allowed to provide our perspective in such matters, why do people so rarely attempt to empathise with us? We are told WE are unable to empathise (and in fact there ARE many situations and inconsistencies we see in neurotypicals with which we cannot relate), but as I see it, neurotypicals are much less generally empathetic than are autistics.

It hurts to be so frequently laughed at and treated as a side-show even by Christian ministries. We are categorized as problems, difficulties and traumas for those we are near, yet no one seems to care about our feelings or reactions to their behaviours. Many of the things laughed about by our parents, teachers, doctors and “peers” are in fact our response to hurtful or even painful things we are required to experience because of the ignorance of those “in charge”.

You pretend to love us, but you don’t. You pretend we are needed and respected and valuable, yet you ignore us or force us into your own generally untenable ideas of who we should become. We are not allowed to fully participate in society even when our gifts or talents exceed those who ARE allowed, simply because we don’t know the “rules” expected of us  No one seems to want to tell us.

Although autism has only been actively studied over the last half-century, it has been around for generations and generations.  We have been called many things over the years, but that does not change who we are.  Some want to say we are the result of poisoning or brain damage.  If that is the case why is it that some parts of our brain are actually MORE developed and larger in size than the same areas in neurotypical brains?  An autistic brain is clearly different than that of the neurotypical. Our perceptions are as well.  But must that mean we are inferior?

There are many others besides those with autism who experience similar frustrations.  I plead for them as well.  Won’t someone please give us a chance to thrive?

So my question must be, “Does my story have value sufficient to justify any hurt or anger that could result from its exposure despite my best attempts to protect those mentioned therein?”

The likelihood is that they wouldn’t read it anyway.  They have already despised, shunned, disowned or maligned me.  What further hurt could they bring?  And if the benefit to ANYONE else exists at all, does not that justify its writing?

It seems the likelihood that I will die VERY suddenly may be quite high.  I have no fear of death, I have been close to it more often than most already, and I know what and Whom to expect when it occurs.  I want to complete that to which I have been called before I go.  Is the story of my life part of that?  My daughter thinks so (although she also insists I stay until she goes too), as do a few others acquainted with me.

It is a matter of prayer.  God has promised wisdom to all who seek.  Your face O LORD do I seek.

The incident, although minor, brought up a longstanding question.  Why didn’t s/he ask me?  I would have been the most logical one to email, but she avoided me altogether and asked my daughter.  What is she afraid of?

I am not aggressive at all.  I am not competitive or concerned about my “place” in the lineup.  I have been told I am very gentle and forgiving, and I very rarely get angry.  My desire to help others perfuses everything I do.  Why then, does it so often seem others are afraid of me?

I think I share this with many with autism.  It is a commonly seen situation, that a neurotypical is afraid of us.  Some autistics decide to use it to advantage, but most I think find it perplexing.  If the reason is that we are not easily understood, then why is it not the other way around?  Neurotypicals are much less consistent in behavior than autistics are, and less easily understood.

I am glad that God is awesome yet approachable.  Though I wish no-one feared me, I will try to be content in knowing that God is my friend and that His love overcomes all fear.

¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

1 John 4:17-19 (New American Standard Bible)

I’m grateful for authors, and books and “word of mouth”.

I’m grateful for bits and bytes.

I’m grateful for calligraphy pens, mechanical pencils, erasers and paper!

I’m grateful for champions and “knights in shining armor” who willingly rescue and protect someone in need. May they become more abundant.

I’m grateful for color in all its shades, hues and values.

I’m grateful for coordination, and the delightful ways it manifests itself in our physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual worlds.

I’m grateful for crochet hooks, knitting needles, tatting shuttles, looms and needles and threads and cloth and yarn.

I’m grateful for FLUFFY!

I’m grateful for full skirts, comfortable shoes, lovely music, good company and dancing!

I’m grateful for hugs and gentle touch and eye contact and timelessness.

I’m grateful for imagination and memory, and for those who are true to the picture of themselves that they present to the world.

I’m grateful for Linux and SourceForge.

I’m grateful for marriage and family and friends and relationships of all kinds, and the promise that these will continue for all eternity, yet without the curse of sin.

I’m grateful for movement, both voluntary and involuntary.

I’m grateful for MUSIC!! For melody and harmony and chords and tones and pitches and rhythms and air vibrations of all sorts! I’m grateful for the ability of the ear and brain to perceive such things and interpret them so delightfully.

I’m grateful for people who love just because they choose to love…like God does.

I’m grateful for people. I love them.

I’m grateful for stuffed animals, and also for real ones!!

I’m grateful for synovial fluid and hyalin and collagen and other tissues so necessary for freedom of movement within boundaries.

I’m grateful for the ability to respond to changes in our surroundings, and to creatively make use of things, even “outside of the box”.

I’m grateful for the bonding characteristics of carbon.

I’m grateful for the feeling of swinging through the air, such as one feels on a swing.

I’m grateful for the regenerative capacity of the human nervous system and other physiological systems.

I’m grateful for those who were willing to undergo major upheaval in their lives and separation (even death) of those they loved dearly to make a home where freedom to worship was possible. May our country repent of the ongoing constitutional revision and return to God.

I’m grateful for those willing to live for the benefit of others.

I’m grateful for trees and vegetation of all sorts. I’m grateful for the qualities of soil, air and water and the way God uses them to sustain life.

I’m grateful for vision and literacy, and for the enjoyment of beauty.

I’m grateful for water, for clean, for tidy, for organized, for neat, for shine and even for bubbles.

I’m grateful for wood grain.

I’m grateful that God is able and willing to take our failures and difficulties and weave them into a tapestry of glory.

I’m grateful that God made us able to know and love Him, and to enjoy His presence for all eternity.

I’m grateful that I have shelter from the cold and snow. I’m grateful for sunshine. I’m grateful for fireplaces and stoves and body heat.

I’m grateful that knots are often so beautiful.

I’m grateful that my children have such loving and creative hearts.

I’m grateful that the Eternal God is One Who loves to communicate intimately with His creation, and that He is very faithfully merciful and just.

I’m grateful for those who have served in our military AND the families/other loved ones who have sacrificed so that s/he can serve us. The perils of military service go beyond the battle, and generally will change their lives forever. Thank you.

I’m grateful for the ability to give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving.

I thank God for His Spirit, Who searches and knows my heart. I am perpetually amazed at how His Word shows me I’m not completely alone…He knows I am dust.

Of course, once I was older, I was expected to limit my communications with “old friends” to the female of the family.  And as always, she wasn’t interested.  What a rapid way to “lose” ALL of my friendships.   How is it that some people seem to be able to get to know the spouse and children of long-time friends?  Every time I tried, I was shunned.

Later, I developed some professional and church-related acquaintances, but the most friendly to me were my patients. They were devoted and caring, and I enjoyed them immensely.

Like millions of others, I’ve always loved reading. But even there I saw fantasy – men who loved someone enough to sacrifice, those willing to rescue and defend someone, those who grieved if “she” could not be with them.

I have loved like that. But I never saw it returned…at least not to me. For whatever reason, I seem to be expected to defend myself, to make the sacrifices and to suffer the pain of rejection. I was always expected to know why others didn’t want me around or why they never seemed to have time for me. I never did understand, especially when they started cutting off contact with me.

How am I supposed to make sense of what others think and do when I am blocked from news, pictures, access to family or friends, or news of any kind? How do they expect me to know about their lives and opinions if I am excluded from all possible avenues of disclosure? And if I don’t know, how am I to act the way I seem to be expected to act?

It must be that I am really as stupid as my parents always told me I was. My mother called me at a low point in my life to tell me that I am “like an alcoholic – everyone else can see there’s something wrong with [me] even though [I] can’t see it”, and that “as someone got to know [me s/he] would see how corrosive and irritating [I] am and back away again”. Of course I cried. (Why do people say these things when everything else has already gone wrong?) I tried to prove her wrong. I thought I did, until people started backing off.

It’s so easy to see my need for God when others are so happy to point out my failures. That’s a positive factor. But why others seem to want to misinterpret me and assign base motives to what I say or do is beyond my understanding. So much is beyond my understanding.

As much as I dream of being defended rather than attacked, and rescued rather than abandoned, I guess I know it won’t happen for me until the Lord returns and demonstrates His justice and love for everyone to see. I hope He returns soon.

Many efforts are made to learn behavioural management techniques, diets, environmental set-ups or activities to help the child become more normal or learn ways to APPEAR more normal to others.  Special schools, glasses, medicines and supplements, legislation, toys and software all seek to help the child learn to get along in society and find acceptance.   Some will tell of lost sleep, broken marriages, employment issues and monetary collapse.  A few will say that the child brought joy and blessing to the family as well.

What is missing from this picture?

I will NEVER intentionally downplay the amount of disruption a child with special needs will bring to the family into which s/he is born.  I have children with special needs myself, and I know that many families are burdened to their capacity and beyond by such blessings.  The parents and siblings NEED encouragement and support as well as understanding and assistance throughout their lives.

However, I rarely ever hear anything from the child’s perspective.  WHY do the various behaviors occur?  Many times the child won’t know at the time, but may be able to figure it out later on.  Some could study the child and learn with him or her.  Is there a sensory integration or processing issue?  Could it be s/he is in pain, or at least uncomfortable?  Might it be prevented or lessened?  And is there a better way to prepare him or her for the future without merely insisting on changed behavior?

I also rarely ever hear anything about the individual with special needs once s/he reaches what I call the “age of evaporation”.  No longer a child, s/he finds the resources for help and encouragement have almost completely evaporated.  One has the impression these people are expected to disappear once they reach their 20s and beyond.  Employers expect them to follow protocol and get along well with coworkers and others.  Churches expect them to conform to “acceptable” standards of  communication and behavior.  Society expects them to fit in or drop out.  The older they are, the less “understanding”  others will be about “unacceptable” characteristics of the person.  The better s/he has learned to compensate and adapt to society and the less visually obvious the disability the more normalcy society will expect until the adult with special needs can no longer adapt.

Most autistics have sensory integration or perceptual differences which can increase or decrease sensitivity to various stimuli or even cause delayed or altered interpretations of the stimuli.  The manifestations of these can be both positive and negative, but they are rarely insignificant.

The next time you hear someone mention the “blow-ups” of an autistic or special needs child, perhaps you can think about the child, and what might have been the reason s/he became so overstimulated in the first place.  If you see someone in a wheelchair with tears in his or her eyes, consider that the tears may have nothing to do with the chair or disability.  You may have shed some tears for the same reason s/he does so now.  And understanding with acceptance is needed by all ages.

Ignorance is NOT bliss.